Tattys Blogs 1

I thoroughly enjoyed telling you stories about my life so I thought of starting a blog, well really, its more or less my stress relief page! You see I am married to a very nice man but he gets me so mad sometimes that I want to SCREAM….. I often ring my son up to tell him why I am so stressed, now I can go on here and tell you why….

Wednesday is a very special day, my Chinaman goes to see his many girlfriends in Manchester while shopping so he is dizzy with excitement.  I am so mad just now because I spent ages trying to trace my footsteps looking for my mobile.  Then it dawns on me where its gone! I bet HE took it! So I ring him, he was on the M66,

” No I haven’t got it!”

“Check your other pocket?” I asked

“Oh yes it’s here”

Can you tell the difference between a silver and a black mobile?

So I have just wasted a good half hour of my life looking for my mobile!

I have also wasted another few hours of my life due to this MAN this week.

I knitted a red scarf for one of his girlfriends – colour of the uniform at the Wing Yip Supermarket but did not know how long to make it. I asked him to show it her but he didn’t.  He asked another worker and she says no its not long enough because you double up round the neck!  So I spent another 2 hours knitting an extra foot. Instinct tells me to ask him to ring her to see if its long enough (5ft)

“It’s TOO LONG!”

From now on, Tatty vows to NEVER ASK A THICKO WHO ASKS ANOTHER THICKO or she will end up wasting more precious hours of her life.

Every Tuesday, Mr Chan goes to the Slaughter House to buy fresh pork and brings home lots of bones for soup.  He dishes out these bones to lots of married women in Manchester on Wednesdays.  They really appreciate, swarm round him like flies and flies gather round on shit of course.  So when I mention his girlfriends – they are these.  His best friend is very jealous of all the attention he gets but I supposed I have to allow him some excitement after all my nagging!  I am beginning to believe that he stirs it to see my reaction but most of the time it’s the lack of brain function.

As a thank you gesture at the Slaughter House, I spared 4 of my Ferrer Rochers, wrapped them up in a tissue and told him to give it to them.

‘One of the lads says thanks and thanks for the peanuts as well”

WHAT PEANUTS? I kept the rest of my Ferrer Rochers with my peanuts so yes you’ve guessed…. THAT MAN! THAT BLOODY CHINAMAN!!!!!! took ALL MY Ferrer Rochers, I was saving them and only ate a couple a week since Christmas. There were over a dozen left!  And he took the lot!  Why? Did he not think why I wrapped 4 up and told him to give them this.   When the children were small, they kept asking,

“Mum, why did you marry a man like that?”

I ask myself often!

Well he has his good points, for example, this Man knows that a plum is sweeter when the sun shines on it.  At the back of our Takeaway we have a plum tree that is over 30 years old and every year without fail, Mr Chan goes up in the garden and lovingly turn these plums when the sun is shining which is not often in the Rossendale Valley. Every year, he picks the VERY FIRST plum and gives it to me < makes up for the lack of Valentine gift!

BUT in 2013, someone came into our garden and nicked the first plums so Mr Chan wasn’t happy.  So I didn’t get to taste the 29th first plum and I felt so sorry for him because it WAS probably one of the useful tips he learnt in China.  A tip that has sunk in.

Oh yes, to answer that question why did I marry a man like that? I have many answers.  If you have read what happened a few hours before my sons wedding reception near the end on the Works of Pride Link when Mr Chan learnt what a Dickhead is- he now knows when to use that word, another example:

I have been practising my hair cutting skills on him for over 30years now.  It is so hard to get him to have a haircut in winter, here’s a barber chasing her customer!  I make him strip down to his underpants and put a cape round him.  During his last haircut in March – he hanged his top on the radiator so it would be nice and warm.  So off with the cape and he quickly put his top on.

“Where the logo?” I asked to test to see if some brain cells still functioned.

“I AM A DICKHEAD!”

I have told my customers about it – when he put nearly 7 gallons of petrol into his diesel car.  Still he has many female admirers who keep saying:

‘……….but he is a NICE Dickhead!”

People are always complimenting on why we keep our youthful looks, well maybe one of the reasons is because we are so crazy and silly. We are both in our sixties now (2015). For example, this tale is called:

The Naughty Chinks

One day I was opening my shop, I took a peep outside and to my horror I saw some dog poop on the kerb near the front door.

“Quick. Get rid of it before someone brings it into the shop!” I shouted to Mr Chan

He got a stick and pushed the poop onto the road.  We both quickly ran back inside the shop to hide and screamed,

“Bingo, Bingo, Bingo…….”

…at every time a car ran over the poop.  I was laughing so much that tears were rolling down my eyes.  I bet they will be wondering where that smell came from when they parked it in their garage.

Today 10th April.  I ordered some cat stuff off a website- Zooplus on 31st March.  They usually delivered items within 3 days.  So 10days later where is this parcel? I emailed them and was told to ask our neighbours since no note was dropped through the letterbox.  I went to ask the neighbours, no, no parcel.  Then I saw it neatly tucked away in my house, almost hidden! I confront that Chinaman,

“When did that parcel come?”

“Last week”

“Why did you not tell me that it had come?”

“I didn’t know it WAS that parcel that you kept going on about!”

I think I am going to get this parcel now, so he will wear a box over the dick on his head!

27th April:  Well my Sharks Fin Marrows are coming on nicely.

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I have planted over 100, some are just starting to germinate – to be on the safe side.  You already know what Mr Chan did with our first attempt (on the Old Challenges Link)

Ok to recap: This Chinaman got up in the middle of the night to urinate on them and killing them with his lethal liquid gold!  I think he knows how to use the lavatory by now!  He still insists that he didn’t do anything drastic considering how hard it was to use his willy as a watering can.

“Tatty, it nearly killed me holding half a wee in and walking to the next plant and wee some more!”

Then Tatty doesn’t have a willy, so she doesn’t know.  All she knows is that a normal person who is bursting will let it out FAST – without stopping.

Anyway, many attempts at growing these marrows later, here is that Chinaman with a 2 year old, oh yes, a ripe one keeps for years.

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Blooming Nora! It’s  the same size as his head! Its giving me ideas what to use if he doesn’t use the lavatory!

29th April:  I have taken over 100 cuttings off my money plants so I hope to make many friends this year.

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There was this pensioner called Fred, he was looking at my plants in the shop window so I gave him one.  He had loads to choose from, I placed them all out on the counter for him to see and he picked a tiny one because he wanted to see it grow.  Seeing the delight in his eyes has made me very happy – particularly on that day because he is suffering from dementia now.

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Last year I made friends with a lovely couple from Merseyside.  I send her cuttings and she sent me a bulb in a pot. So Maureen if you are on this site now, look…. the flower is massive and another bloom is coming out – TWO blooms from one bulb!  We are so lucky! Also that tiny cutting you gave me, absolutely beautiful. I am taking a cutting off it and hope to spread the happiness.

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4th May:  Mr Chan was going to the tip and throw away these two solid beech chairs which I bought about 20years ago.

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He did not tell me that he was going to chuck them out and when one does not ask the other half for permission, you know what is going to happen…. It’s

Head on the Block!

So when he told me that Eddie was walking past and he took them home – even his wife thought that they were good quality and asked where was the table to go with them?

So today, Mr Chan was rescued by a saint at that very moment in time, I always feel that my life has been blessed with luck and in this case, HIS too.  Even my cats are interested and my aggro is at ease, stress relieved at last!

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How can you throw away such chairs (unused but dusty) that cost £17 99p each over 20 years ago so I asked him why:

“It’s cos they are heavy!”

What do you expect, they are solid beech! OH I forgot that he is thick! Please tell me how can I educate this CHINAMAN?

When my customers call, they ask:

How is Mr Chan?’

“He is okay, I haven’t killed him yet!”

13th May:  It’s Wednesday and Mr Chan is miles away, dizzy with excitement and here I am screaming with frustration!

“WHY DID YOU MARRY A MAN LIKE THAT?”

That question the kids kept asking all through their lives keeps ringing in my head just now.

I have prepared some lovely cakes for him to take to the slaughterhouse for them to enjoy and that Chinaman has forgotten them! He had to go to pick up his girlfriends orders : legs of pork, loins, belly, liver – in fact they have given him a nickname – Boneman Chan.

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I was so pleased with myself because I really enjoyed preparing these cakes and even left a message for the boys on the box.

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So all that effort gone to waste because I am married to a **** even a fish has got a bigger brain!

Calm down Woman!  Just think about that First Plum in the autumn then you will be glad that you married him.

I am trying……

I am really trying for the millionth time…..

Says Tatty, she has been clinging onto her mobile all morning!  NEVER, never approach that MAN to do any home thing on Wednesdays – he is in a trance! What’s the saying:

“In through one lug hole, out of the other!”

25th May: My Shark’s Fin Melon/Marrow seedlings are in, and Mr Chan has been watering them with potato peeled water, of course bits of vegetable waste cuttings has got mixed in.  We found that the first muddy peel wash and the first milky wash of rice is a good source of organic feed – both plentiful when you run a takeaway.  Leave these to ferment in a bucket for a day or two is even better.  Definitely don’t use neat human urine so…..

“KEEP USING THE LAVATORY, YOU CHINAMAN OR HEAD ON THE BLOCK!”

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There’s my first bengal cat, she has gone darker with age so her spots are not as prominent.  She is called Sue-Ling. Literal meaning in Chinese, SUE means to put away and LING – penis so it’s Put Away Your Willy! When I let her out I mustn’t call her loud or my neighbours will think that that Chinaman is in a randy mood!

So Ladies – when your Man is in a randy mood and you are not, scream…..

SUE LING!    <<< Hakka dialect which is my mother tongue, originates from the New Territories in Hong Kong

Or SOWL LAN!    <<< Cantonese dialect

The other phrase which is quite funny – MAN ON <<< meaning goodnight in Chinese.

Yeh, yeh…..”Man On.”  QUICK turn the lights out!  Or do you prefer the lights on, Madam?

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Just look at that beautiful rhododendron which I saved from the tip, it puts a spark amongst all the green.

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We are collecting these snails daily because we don’t want to use too much snails pellets – I  love to sprinkle some salt on them or feed the biggest with a pellet- just put it direct into its mouth and wait for it to die!  This is another form of my stress relievers, my sort of sadistic enjoyment – makes me feel like a kid again and there are lots of them after the rain.  Hey – reminds me when I was a sweet little girl, I used to catch flies and squeezed their abdomen to see what sex they were.  The males have a – well you know what and I loved nipping that off!

I can see you males now acting like footballers during a free kick near the goalpost! Lol!

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What a bonnie lass, does she look as though she would hurt a fly?

That was a newspaper cutting showing a nine year old Tatty.  I came to England in February 1962 and went to St Peter’s County Primary School on Willows Lane in Accrington.  My friend told me that there was this wonderful man called Father Christmas and he came down the chimney to drop off presents on Christmas Day.  I was so excited, told my mum to put the coal fire out early on Christmas Eve, to give it time to cool down when he lands.  We, as a family could not wait, my mum, dad, my sister and me, we went to bed early as we all were expecting presents.

So came Christmas Day, nowt happened, quiet, cold, not even a sausage!!! I vowed that next Christmas I am going to make a fuss and tell Father Christmas that he had forgotten us!

This is the whole newspaper cutting.

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The sellotape has yellowed, the cutting is 51 years old, it reads:

NOW DREAMS COME TRUE

Tai Tai and Yuk Chun were unhappy.  For when they came to England from China just over 12months ago, they didn’t get any Christmas presents.  Tai Tai and Yuk Chun are two little girls aged nine and seven.  After seeing shop windows full of toys, hearing Christmas carols sung in school and listening to playmates telling each other what they were getting for Christmas, they could not understand why they were different.

And this resulted in nine year old Tai Tai writing a letter (in English) to Father Christmas.  Both the children live in Dale Street, Accrington and attended St Peter’s Infant School.

They handed their letter to a neighbour.  The letter began:

“Dear Father Christmas…My name is Tai Tai and my little sister is called Yuk Chun.”

It went on to ask Father Christmas for presents and pointed out, “You forgot us last year.”

The letter Tai Tai had written arrived at the office of the Lancashire Evening Telegraph.  Immediately, we got in touch with Father Christmas.  He was most upset that he had missed the two children last year.

Explanation

He explained that he didn’t know that Tai Tai and her sister had moved to England.

A reporter went to the nearest shop selling toys and told the manager of “Home Supplies” Mr Dennis Lund, of the little sisters letter and Santa’s reply.  Mr Lund joined in the spirit of the occasion and donated two tea sets and two dolls.  These were put together with a projector set and a collection of books to be given to the children.

After enjoying a party at school, the sisters received their presents.  As they each cuddled a doll, the two children laughed with joy.  Tai Tai said:

“It is wonderful to know that Father Christmas has not really forgotten us.  I am very happy now.”

Sister Yuk Chun who as yet speaks little English untied a bow from her doll’s dress and grinned.  Her smile said, “Thank you” better than any words ever could.

The reporter was Mr Terry Broadhurst and it was front page news on Christmas Day 1963

What can I say after reading that! The English is terrible, maybe written so that I can understand.  I came to England from Hong Kong (not China) in 1962, couldn’t read nor write English and in 3 years I had passed my 11plus.

We moved to Harpurhey in 1965 and I attended then – North Manchester Grammar School for girls.

Oh I forgot as an adult now, I want to thank Mr Dennis Lund for the toys.  I hope you liked us advertising for you.  Is that where they got the idea for Cowboy Builders?

2nd June.  Chan’s Crawshawbooth is being renovated, we are rebuilding the shop front.  It has been a chippy for 72 years? since we took over in 1981 so if that is correct, the building is over 100 years old.  After the renovation, it is going to stand up during the next century and we, this Chinese couple called Chan will have contributed at their great expense in preserving this building – No 609, Burnley Road, Crawshawbooth. BB4 8AN.  My builder is called Albert Brown, a time served tradesman and very well respected.  So you young ones out there in Rossendale, please don’t let future generations forget us, ok?

While the work is being done, we are on holiday, routing out gems from our children’s Crawshawbooth Primary School days.  This is a note I found written by my daughter called Mei Ying < she hates choosing an English name and is proud of her heritage.  My sons hate their Chinese names so one is called Alex and the other George.  I couldn’t believe it when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge chose George and Alexander – as names for their first born.  Here it is:

My Self

My name is Mei Ying Chan.

When I am going home I like to switch on the television.  I like going up in the hills because you can see wild rabbits, horses and dogs and houses.  People can see on top of the hill.  I like eating chips and meatballs.  I like going to my next door neighbour Mary and Jim to give them some company.  I don’t like my two brothers my little brother breaks my thing, my big brother hides my things.  I hate curry because it is hot.  And I hate dried grass in my shoes.  I like going swimming.  I like going out but I hate carrying bags.  My favourite drink is vimto and whole orange.  I hate getting my fingers dirty.  I love bird singing in my tree outside my garden.

Awwww so sweet, that’s the little girl who was told NOT to mess with dads live crabs before he cooked them!  This is the claw that nearly took her tiny finger off!

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I attached a string so that the children CAN work it like a claw.  It is over 25 years old.

10th June:  The front of our shop is finished now – looks grand, we are very pleased.  Albert is sorting out the inside now as anything new being put in place has to conform to building regulations.  We are opening as normal tomorrow – 11th June so there is a lot of cleaning to do today and after that fresh food preparation.  When shop is running again, I will have more stories to tell you.  Meanwhile our marrows aren’t growing much due to the lack of potato peel and rice water feed – plenty of that from tomorrow onwards.

Today, I must mention also that I WAS so mad with Mr Chan, you can tell it’s Wednesday, every command goes flying through the window!  We have had a couple of Chinese lanterns hanging above the shop windows since we opened the shop in 1981 and I would like them up after work completion.  So….. I tell him to drop in at Fletchers Hardware Store in Waterfoot after visiting the slaughterhouse in Stacksteads and buy a couple of square cup hooks – I can tap the end to angle it up so it acts as a hook.  I draw him an image explaining why I want these instead of a round hook, the screw has to be long enough to pass through the plasterboard into the wood.  It is L – shaped.

SO WHAT does he bring back? CORNER BRACES! How am I going to convert these to hooks?????? I screamed and screamed, I think steam was coming out of my head, how on earth can he get that wrong????? Did he not THINK – how his wife is going to hang the lanterns up using these!  Of course, I did not nicknamed him ’10 answers back’ for nothing SO I ask him why he bought them:

“It’s cos it’s L-shaped and YOU asked for something L-shaped!”

Oh Yes, it’s Tatty’s fault!  Again……and he shouted back:

“Go and get them yourself!”

When we bought the bengal cats, he became more ‘softer’ – reduced him to answering back less.  So I think it’s time to get another kitten.  Anyway, not only he buys the corner braces, he buys another 2 as spares!  If any of you geniuses have got ideas how to use these to hang up a couple of lanterns – neatly of course, then let me know.

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Please come again, share my frustrations and aggro – the sins of being married to a Chinaman.  No doubt, pretty soon……

I am back….

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Well these ARE the square cup hooks that I wanted and I hammered one of the ends at an angle to show you and now the lanterns are up.

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We are waiting for our builder to put new windows in, in a few weeks time.

18th June.  Look, I am taking my slacks home in case Mr Chan starts to wear them again, yes AGAIN…What’s he like!!!!!!! At 6-30pm, I noticed this stitching along the front of ‘his’ pants and they were tight round his ankles:

“Hey, those are my slacks.” I tell him.

“I thought they were a bit tight, thought I had put weight on!”

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Even this Chinaman see the funny side, I had to take a picture by the bus stop.  I will make sure that he doesn’t wear his wife slacks again, how embarrassing…..   The man thought he put weight on while shop was closed!

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Even Saffy is disgusted!  She is thinking…

“What the fuck!”

SO what does 10 Answers Back has to say about this?

“Well YOU wore my jeans at one time too!”

Let me explain….

Back in the 1980s we wore same size jeans and having been robbed once I always carry money in my jeans pockets.  So I went into a material shop, bought £12 of cloth, and NO money in pockets, yes was wearing HIS jeans!  Salesman exclaimed:

“I have heard of women going into their men’s pocket BUT NOT pinch his pants as well!”

During the last 30years, I check to see if there is money in the pockets then I know that they are MY pants – unlike this person …. you know who…..on the subject of money.

Now WHO would accept this 2p coin (sprayed silver) as a 10p?

Boneman Chan of course, not to forget – the from China bit!

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They must have handed it to him in dim light.  The person who used silver paint to gain an extra 8 pence, was it worth it?

YES because you’ve got a mention on my website.

I AM so glad that, that Crawshawbooth bus stop scene with my dangling slacks is now overtaken with a memory that I have from the past.

One day, I was walking past and in front of the toilets, was a young man who scooped out an enormous bogey out of his nostril – it was stretched out attached to a thread of snot.  Thinking that he would put the bogey in a tissue…… HE ATE IT!!!  THE THOUGHT – seeing THAT foot of snot thread as though the nostril was reluctant to release this grey matter, it was snugly plastered amongst the hairs until this unwelcome long nail scraped it out!  I keep seeing that bogey – my dinner is churning in my stomach already!

TATTY, get that bogey out of your head and think about Mr Chan wearing your slacks instead.

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3rd July:  We are going home after work and Mr Chan says he is giving his balls an airing – they have been stuck between his legs whilst cooking.  Its been so hot, no wonder he couldn’t walk on Wednesday 1st – was the hottest day since 2006?

12th July, just a quick update on our Sharks Fin Marrows.  The last picture shows them trailing towards the shed roof.  Spot Saffy…..never misses anything!

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I have lots of small money plants for sale in the shop, £2 per plant or 3 for £5.  You must read up on the luck generated with one of my plants – near the end on the Works of Pride Link. You will never know your forthcoming luck on the Lottery unless you own one of these, so call and see.  My Chinaman and I might end up cooking in your mansion instead!

Mr Chan has been behaving lately so my name calling or pet names that I have used over the years aren’t coming out much, apart from calling him Sa Sa – short from Sa Nga Lowl.

Sa – to stick out,   Nga – teeth,   Lowl – man  =  in short it’s GOOFY.  When I went to visit his family in China after we got married, his sisters WERE very defensive of his full set (32teeth) so I shortened it to Sa Sa.  You don’t see a person with a full set of teeth often, so he belongs to an elite class of humans.  Well, fancy that!!!

There were more names at the beginning because I have been in the UK since 1962 so I feel and behave British but HE doesn’t.  Of course, I was so jealous of how many teeth he had got at that time and a big mouth with room for his wisdom teeth.  While we were courting, his chat up line:

‘Look at these, I can eat a melon without using a knife!’

Anyway, these pet names:

JAP.  I called him The Jap because his eyes are more slant than mine!

Hong Ha Lowl.  If you called someone this, it means someone from a small village who is supposed to have never been away, in other words illiterate ….. A THICKO

Mr Volvo.  He has had 7 of these because he liked them so much at one time.  I used to say that if I allowed him a brand new one every 3 years he will not go off with another woman!

Dap Dow Lowl.  Means a Hunchback, I call him this to remind him NOT to walk like a hunchback! His bad habit! He says it’s because he is cooking with head down over a wok but you are walking……

Dickhead

Boneman Chan

10 Answers Back – I am scratching my head…WHERE does he get these spontaneous answers from!

5 Answers Back – when we bought a kitten he ‘mellowed’ for a while, then answers came back so fierce,  we bought another kitten.

There might be more, nowadays it’s just Sa Sa.

I can’t call out his real name – pronounced Fuk, yes FUK which means wealth and fortune but written down as Fook so doesn’t sound as bad.  We run a Takeaway can you imagine me shouting your order at him…in your presence…

“Fuk, chicken curry with fried rice or Special Fried Rice, Fuk!”

His female fans will be asking,

“Hows Fuk?”

“He’s ok, I haven’t killed him yet!  He is in love!”

He is in love with a big stainless fridge which we bought last week – it’s a new toy, he needs to keep an eye on it for a few days to adjust it to the right temperature.

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Doesn’t take much to please the man,  just over a grand will do!

Here is his early morning activity, maybe another watering in the afternoon and again when he comes home from work, very late evening.

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IF we get lots of marrow, he will be dishing them out to his girlfriends and the new nickname MARROWMAN or MELONMAN will come to light.

At the moment, the sheer respect they have for him, they call him:

Fuk Gor – stands for Big Brother Fuk

Hey, this is the dude that I married, I thought he looked like a film star……

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Then, I WAS and AM shortsighted!  I accompanied my sister to the opticians, HER appointment but I WAS the one who came out with glasses!  Yes, HE is definitely the STAR of this blog…. So please Fuk Gor:

KEEP BEING THICK, KEEP BEING YOUR TRUE SELF, PLEASE!

Sometimes, you men have to understand why WE women nag so much.

15th July on Wednesday Sa Sa was told to bring a 4pints container of milk down from the shop as there was more room in the shop fridges. Thursday dinner time, as running out of milk for cuppas I asked him where’s the milk? He had forgotten to bring it in and left it in the car outside on a summers night  for 15hours!  So what’s 10 Answers Back say:

‘You are shouting over 89p worth of milk, if it’s gone off I will get you another from Asda!’

BUT I want my cup of tea NOW….

WITH milk.

Now the big question, this Chinaman has had his head on the block so many times, so many times….

Has the milk gone off?

No, it was ok.  Been a cool night, The Lord Almighty saved him.

I also put my hands up, it’s Tatty’s fault, I shouldn’t ask him to do anything on Wednesdays!

23rd July, not much of a Summer yet, no blazing sun just cool, anyway I think the weather has upset my Sharks Fin Marrows.  There were about a dozen female blooms like these…

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Then 2 days later, a couple of males opened.  I learnt to cover them with a clear bag to preserve all the pollen because as soon as the sun rises, the bees would have clear all the pollen so its a hit and miss with them landing on the females.

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So far many male blooms, plenty of pollen BUT no females to pollinate!  Previously, I tried to pollinate yesterdays female but still no fruit because as soon as the unfertilised bloom closes, it is dead.  The males and females have to open and be pollinated on the same day or else, no fruit.

So frustrating……

Sa Sa is giving these his sole attention as there are hardly any plums to turn – to ripe in the sun this year.   Just when the plums were forming, we had a bout of frost and most of them dropped off the tree.

27th July, I got up early, armed with my tiny paint brush, went looking for female blooms to pollinate.  Queen Bee Tatty on the move.  What has happened?  I think the weather has to do with their growth, forecast rain ALL week too.  Yesterday, a few males but no females, today more males and ONE female.  These males usually come out in August.  They are plentiful this year and hardly any females.  My heart goes out to my Chinaman.

Raining all week…

That means no watering, no collecting potato peel wash, no rice wash – plenty of time, I will have to find more work for Sa Sa.  I have so many money plants from tiny to huge, takes a good half hour to water them all and another to sort them out aesthetically with sticks and tie.  Worn out plastic and disposable chopsticks are good for straightening small plants.  We love them so much, the bigger the leaves – the more the luck and good fortune.  Breathing all this oxygen in our rainforest is knocking years off our facial features, I strongly recommended it.  I mean I need something like this ‘magic’ to stay young looking because I am living with a Chinaman (Hong Ha Lowl – thicko) who came from a village called Mutouhu, in Guanlan in Shenzhen City.  It is only about half mile away from the Missions Hills Golf Course – I witnessed this being built, saw them planting palm trees from Thailand and now hear that the surrounding area is expanding to become a giant shopping complex.  In the course of 34 years, this tiny village has become a town, and soon a city.  There isn’t much greenery anymore, I used to love hearing the cockerels crow at sunrise and the dogs barking, mosquitos and the constant sound of crickets through the night.  I dreamt of setting up my easel and paint a few pictures of village life when I retire.  Now I don’t want to stay too long because the place has become so busy surrounded by concrete (5+ storeys high buildings) and hardly any country air.  Many villagers have either died or moved on, a bit like Crawshawbooth with many new people moving in on rented accommodation.  Mutouhu and surroundings buildings rented out to workers from the North of China.  That close knit yokel life has disappeared.

I am so mad now, no not at Sa Sa, this STUPID woman from Glasgow bids on my money plant cuttings on EBay and pays for them with PayPal when the advert states clearly for collection only.  She does not reply to messages nor want to pay extra for the postage so I have just refunded her payment.  EBay has credited their charge BUT Paypal charges me for reversing the payment.  Woman, I hate you so much just now because you have made me pay out for your fault!

If she had paid the extra for postage, I would have sent her double cuttings because it shows her interest in my plants.

When I see this interest on EBay, I always enclosed freebies for buyers.  I might, just might end up cooking in their mansion, no Sa Sa cooking and me sunbathing by the swimming pool or dabbing with my paintbrush.

1st August, nearly 3 weeks later, the marrows have reached the shed roof, like triffids.I think we have ONE fruit, it is growing and is shiny, when it’s dull, it’s dead and HE HAS LEARNT NOT to play with it! photo[15]When a fruit is formed, it is surrounded by tiny hairs like nettle and if you disturb these protective hairs, it sends a message to the fruit that it can no longer protect itself so it dies.  That Chinaman squeezed so many in the 2nd year, I kept wondering what I’ve done wrong.  First year, he kept pissing on them, 2nd year, he kept squeezing them, 3rd year when we were getting the know how by using organic feed – horse manure.  4th year, we found chicken manure from our egg man was even better then some kids came into our garden and smashed most of them up. Not kidding I even found bits of marrows scattered on the main road by the graveyard! Blooming kids, bet they thought they were great footballs!  Enough of the sad past…..

Today, poor Sa Sa, he is disheartened so far, weather is affecting the bloom formation and it is going to rain, rain and more rain.  To make up, he is chuffed that Beijing have won the bid to host the 2022 Winter Olympic Games.

Of course, a happy Chinaman becomes 5 Answers Back!

For now.

8th August:

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I have been pollinating, Sa Sa calls me, The Early Poker – with my paintbrush as the mornings have been a bit chilly and the bees are no where to be seen.  So far I think there may be a dozen and here is that Man, so dedicated with his buckets of potato peel and rice wash from the shop.  Yes, definitely NO poisoning with his Liquid Gold nor give them his Squeeze of Death!

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Then we will have a sit down on the bench and admire our efforts with a cup pf tea.  The  fruit is late this year due to the weather and this morning, plenty of bees.  Our chat:

“Do you remember when you took me to China to meet your family?”

Sa Sa coming from a village and villagers are known to be illiterate, thought I will get some answers, something you don’t ask your own parents because you get a clout round earhole.  Well, he IS No 1 son so she would not smack him.i

We were young in the early 80s and it always puzzled me whether your pubic hairs go grey when you get old so kicking his leg under the dining table.

“Go on, ask your mum now?”

It became a reminder question every time we visited China, with the hope that Sa Sa will have the courage to ask.

Well, he never asked his mum and it was such a simple question too.

Now in our 60s, we can answer that question ourselves, so if you young ones need to know,  wait till YOU get old!

Since loading this ‘Too Much Information!’ I got chatting to some regulars:

“Mrs Chan, I could have answered that question for you 10years ago.”

Damn! Been in suspense all them early years.

Also another customer said:

“Mrs C, not only they go …………, my gran told me they fall out  when you are old so you go bald as well”

10th, 11th and 12th, during the last 3 days, there have been a few male and female blooms out, so relieved, the bees are out – no early poking for me.  I have been getting up at sunrise at the beginning.  Another point of interest -previously when the females were plentiful, frustration made me opened a nearly ripe male thinking of getting some pollen out and you know what, there is no pollen.

The marrows are late this year, so I have been nipping the ends off to stop the vine from trailing too much resulting in small fruit.  The book says cut it 3 leaves from the fruit but I have been cutting it at 4.  Also I have been removing excess shoots and male buds, since I want to direct all the energy towards fruit growth.

This vine has 3 fruits, I am expecting at least 2 to wither so will be keeping an eye on them.

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Remember that very first marrow, its this size now.

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21st August, Sa Sa could not wait and he removed 2 of the 3 and we cooked them for dinner in a stir fry.  Yum Yum – the first reward of our efforts – now watching this beauty grow.

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And  watching more…….

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Mr MARROWMAN CHAN, here you come……..

29th – 8 days later, look at the size of them!

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Look at these trailing on top of my lawn, the white tiles are 6 inch square.

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These marrows are putting Mr Chan in a happy mood.  Me? what mood am I in?  Well I can’t get over that stupid man on Thursday.  His long hair was hanging and irritating his eyes so now we have a customer chasing the barber (me)  As usual I made him strip down to his underpants and notices the socks when he took them off.

“Hey, those are MY socks”

The next day, he says the elastic has caused an itchy mark round his ankles and do I feel sorry for him?

No, No, No!

Why could he not tell that the socks were small and they weren’t his??????

9 -40pm, just come home from work and I’ve got to share some news with you and see what you make of it?

My Chinaman thinks that he has put on weight because his little toe has got fat so its hurting.  I think he has developed a corn and people resort to putting a corn plaster over it to stop it rubbing against the shoe.  So what do you think he does to stop it hurting, he cuts it – no not his corn, he slices his shoe so that his little toe can stick out!

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Mr Clark, can you design a pair of shoes for my Chinaman? For a Chinaman with a corn on his little toe?

Now I am going to hide ALL his shoes!!!  THAT MAN IS DEFINITELY ONE OF A KIND!  I have got to tell my grand kids this when they arrive!

“Na Na is married to a Dickhead, the genuine kind whose actions that comedians don’t dream about!”

Right, Chans is open on Bank Holiday Monday, we always open on Bank Holidays even though Monday’s a day off.  It is a business commitment made early in the days when we were young.

I wonder what Sa Sa is going to do next to make me ‘laugh’ < seems to be only option unless I want to sulk/cry/go crazy or find a younger MAN!  I need to get another fantasy man!  Did you know my first on my New Challenges Link?  The stress… that I have to live with, not forgetting what has happened before -35 years, oh you must read the extract from a chat on a past MSN site called A Warning from Lily.  It’s on my Works of Pride Link, scroll down.  Enjoy.

6th September, Sunday, end of the week, not much to report on Mr Chan apart from a new nickname – Pillock! That Man has gone and cut a nick through his other shoe so now we have a matching pair! Bloody FAT little toes!

Every day, he goes out to look at his marrows at least 20 times.  I think he is watching each one as it grows and if I was to remove one, he WOULD know instantly!  Anyway as there are no plums to turn when we do get some sunshine, he is rotating his marrows to ripe or harden the skin.  Marrows that have not seen the sun are very pale and he has noticed that snails are managing to break through the soft skin.  We can’t have that, can we?  Mr Marrowman?

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Mr Marrowman Chan with the bloody FAT FAT toes!  You can tell how annoyed I am, ruining a decent pair of Clarks shoes!

To me, it’s not Fuk Gor this coming week, I am going to call him Joy Gor which means Dickhead in Chinese!

Well, one of Joy Gors’ girlfriends decided NOT to buy us any Moon Cakes this year because they are too expensive for what they are.  She treated us to 3 lobsters instead and he is an expert at cooking these in a spring onion and ginger sauce.

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I am just munching this claw now, fancy a bite, anyone?

16th September: An update on our marrows.  This is that sole marrow left on the trail of 3, look at it now?  The skin is getter darker and as a matter of interest look at my Go-gi berries underneath.  I have been picking these to eat but I think I will let these berries mature and hope to dry out a few seeds for planting next year.

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The ones on my lawn….

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Finally, one that has gone bad – not seen the sun and was hidden.

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Yes, that Chinaman has been working really hard, carting his buckets down daily from the shop to keep these marrows nourished.

Then we will open the shop and his female admirers will be calling and ask:

“How’s Mr Chan?”

“He’s ok, I haven’t kill him yet!  I mean, the phone is ringing now, he is answering it, why is he shouting?  It’s because he thinks the person at the other end cannot hear him! You know, one of my ears is here listening to you and the other listening to him at the back.  When someone orders something NOT on the menu, he is shitting and I love to see him suffer!  Did you know we lost customers cos that stupid Man says we don’t sell steak in blackbean sauce! STEAK, what do you think this BEEF IS on the menu for that last 34 years!!!  So….. You know that pair of shoes he demolished?  Well come winter I hope his FAT FAT toes get frostbite and drop off!”

I will keep you informed…….

21st September, I am so, so happy today. I’ve sold 4 money plants and enclosed lots of extras so that my buyers can have some fun too.  It took me over 1 hour to pack them, I hope they will be happy with their purchases.  If I take into consideration the time/labour costs, I make nothing on the plants, my reward is making the buyers happy and if they do pass the plants on, it will make more people happy.  I, also give away lots, never short of a money plant present.  I don’t understand these people who sell a money plant that is old and has got TOO BIG, well put it this way, you don’t get rid of your other half if he/she has gone old and fat, do you?  After all, it is a feng shui plant to do with luck and fortune so in fact if you take this belief seriously you are getting rid of your luck etc.  I hate reading about these sellers on EBay who try to sell them for over £100!  There should be sentiments attached when you grow it for so long, if it is getting too big, trim it down!  Beware, you greedy seller, you just might tread on some dog poop or your car run over on some dog poop if you are driving past my shop!

Yes, so happy just now cos my Chinaman was so obedient today, I sent him to post them, it’s raining, let him get wet! AND his FAT FAT toes get wet too.  I love him really if only he wasn’t so thick…..  I am on the look out for 2nd Fantasy Man in order to stay sane.

He is cutting and taking 7 marrows to dish out to his girlfriends in Manchester today – we are waiting for the rain to stop.  I have to tell him which ones, they all got to be of similar size, I don’t want all 7 girls arguing on who IS his favourite.

Here they are, we got 8 and decided to give the 2 smaller ones to the girl who bought us the lobsters.  That single one above my Gogi berries is one of these.

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What a happy man…. until his FAT toes get wet!  Only joking he has other shoes to wear to go out.  We don’t want the Chinese community in Manchester to become aware of a Chinese Dickhead from Crawshawbooth, do we?  I don’t want them to know that I – that I, Tatty is married to a Joy Gor!  I am in a bit of a bitchy mood today, bossing him about. What did Dick Emery say,

“Oh, you are awful, but I like you!”

…..says Joy Gor to Tatty.

Manchester, here we come… 7 girls will be calling him “FUK GOR……”

While he is enjoying the attention, I shall shop at the M&S outlet for bargains because I have been thinking why has he been wearing MY pants and socks.  It’s because my clothes are too masculine!  I am thinking of turning punk?

22nd, yesterday I was so happy and today I am so so sad!  My Chinaman wooed me with a small bottle of Chanel No 5 perfume, yes a 7ml bottle bought in the late 1970s.

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I have been saving it and dabbed the tiniest amount on my wrist on Friday last and that lovely smell lingered on me for a whole day.  So to re kindled that romantic feeling, I decided to bid on similar on Ebay, the vintage type, 14 ml for £43 50p, sealed because I don’t like tampered perfume by someone else. The seller mummified it with wrapping and tape, on opening it carefully, this is what I got…. about 5ml!

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Well, if any of you money plant buyers have got lucky with the lottery, premium bonds, winnings of some sort, please treat me to some Chanel no 5 perfume, I can sniff my wrist all day, to cope with the stress……

I have messaged the seller to see what she has to say, maybe give me a bit of refund, perhaps, I will let you know.  I have learnt from this experience, never buy sealed vintage perfume.

Anyway, she insisted that she has done nothing wrong to warrant a refund or return of item so I am taking it up with Ebay because its the principle of it all, vintage or not vintage, this was her advertisement which mislead me:

100% authentic vintage CHANEL No5

please note whilst there is NO volume measurements on either box, T.P.M. stands for 14ml or aprox 1/2 OZ

Incredibly rare to find one with box still tightly sealed & in this NEAR mint condition is almost unheard of.

The box stands at 7cm x 5.1cm x 3cm, containing 14 mls of vintage heaven. EXTRAIT T.P.M No 200 & Made in France printed to base of outer box other than that there is no other information. Comes from smoke free home and if you have any questions please email me. Thanks for looking and why not have a look at my other items for sale.

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‘The box stands at 7cm x 5.1cm x 3cm, containing 14 mls of vintage heaven…..’ <<<<< This is her saying that there IS 14mls of perfume INSIDE the box.  I expect there to be 14mls or near that is why I bid.  I will let you know of the outcome.

26th September at 9am, I was making our morning cuppa and saw that Chinaman running backwards and forwards like a lunatic.

“Whats up?’

No answer, by golly, he looked stressed as though the world was going to end! This is why….

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One of his marrows is hanging on by a thread!  Now it’s like this.

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Sa Sa, can you find some suspenders for it as well?

Then we went to get some paints for the shop, yes my builder has finally put in some new windows.

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We want it to stay green as before otherwise, people won’t recognise Chans’ Crawshawbooth.  It has been same since 1981 and Google has it on images.  Then we went to the chippy to drop the paints off, only to find Sa Sa had locked the builder out as he had some unfinished work to do very early in the morning!

“Mum, why did you marry a man like that!”

I WAS going to varnish some wood this morning too!

That evening a customer came in to pick up his Chicken Foo Yung with Chips which he ordered on the phone with Sa Sa.  He said in a quarter of an hours time and when he called, it wasn’t ready because Mr Chan thought he said in one hour.   So next time, you people, please don’t ask for your suppers in a quarter of an hour, it confuses the man, say you want it in 15minutes, okay?

By the way, Chans sell a huge Foo Yung which is basically an egg dish, Foo means a ‘muddy pond’ and most Takeaways will scramble the eggs up to differentiate it from an omelette.  We add bean sprouts and mushrooms to ours so the mixture when cooking it becomes rather wet, it’s easier to scramble the lot up in the pan – but Chans served their Foo Yungs like a folded omelette because Mr Chan is a great tosser……

of omelettes and presentation is better.  Anyone can make a scrambled thing, try tossing a wet one that is the size of a pizza!  Yes we’ve been told that we serve the biggest Foo Yung in the valley.  Ahhhh, now I love HIM again!

Also, not to mention I make the biggest pancake roll or spring roll in the valley – so big that my customers nicknamed it – A Wife Beater.  I wonder what was going through my head when I came up with that design!  When there is a bit of filling leftover I make the last one even bigger.  This one is called The Donkey.  The wok is 14inches in diameter and once we made one that measured 13 +1/2inches  – had to carry it out with both hands!  That one was called Mr Universe.

Mr Chan answered a phone order, cooked it and told me that it was for a Peter.  Then Justin came in to collect.  No such order for Peter but he did ask for a Wife Beater.

“Sa Sa, when they order a Wife Beater – it means a pancake roll, steak means beef,  a quarter of hour means 15mins………….      AND I am you wife.  Go and buy me another Chanel No 5 perfume and don’t show me you growlers!”

LOOK, the man is on the lookout for more ‘stockings’ for his marrows.  It’s a pink one!

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Whatever next, this Chinaman is amazing, always stir up something new to keep me insane and being a true star, he even puts it on for this blog.

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2nd October, Ebay has refunded me in full and I don’t have to return the Chanel perfume:

Good news. We issued you with a full refund of £43.50 on 02 Oct, 2015. The refund includes the purchase price plus original P&P and has been credited to your PayPal account. Please log in to PayPal and view the history page if you don’t see it in your PayPal balance.

Decision:
This case has been decided in your favour.

_________________________________________________________

So now I have got an extra 5mls of Chanel No 5 to use and quite pleased with myself for not being intimidated by the seller, she was saying that it WAS my hard luck and poor gamble on a vintage item in the first place!  I think next time she will be extra careful in how she describes her items.  Also, I have learnt that sellers who wrongly  describe their item and advertising with no returns, if the buyer takes up a case against them – and wins, buyer gets to keep item.

5th October, today is my day off and I am chilling out, watching catch up.  Most of last week I have been painting my new shop windows till 11-30pm!  First night was lovely, the road was quiet and there was a breeze but on the second night the cold got to the sills and the gloss paint lost its sheen so I had to redo them the next day. Then I have been painting the inside frames so now they are finished and looking great.

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It took one week to sort it all out, many customers haven’t noticed, believe it or not.  They kept asking me where are my money plants because the windows were looking empty!

Next is to paint the stone wall.

Since the government introduced the 5p charge for plastic bags, I have been doing my little bit to help the environment.  My son bought me 10 Ikea blue bags that were on offer at 40p each but Sa Sa thinks they are too big.

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I got my sewing machine out and chopped up 6 and made them smaller.

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With the remnants, I made this:

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I WAS going to convert the other leftover 4 but a bit of the material caught my face and cut it so I packed up!  Gosh, this plastic material is like a serrated knife, if not careful , it will slice your eyes open!

Anyway, let round todays blog off with a good hearty laugh.  This is my Chinamans’ homemade ‘sandals’ and he is so happy about his design.  Looks like he has gorged out some leather – some Chinese rat at work here!!!

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And the other one………to show that I wasn’t joking because he thinks he has made them into a PAIR of great shoes!

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You can tell we having been painting the shop windows with the green paint.

Roll on Winter…., cold – with the snow, the frost  then those FAT FAT toes are going to get frostbite and drop off!

“Why did you marry a Man like that!”  <<<<<<The echoes………….. keeps vibrating in my head!  PLEASE don’t tell anyone if you can help it.

My daughter was after a young picture of herself and I came across this film star, just look at his perm and his stubble?

photo[1]14th October: I have been stitching a hem onto some carpet remnants, took ages but I have the patience of a saint.

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This is the start, only another 5metres to go.  Another few cms left……

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The wool thread is a different colour because if it wasn’t, people will think that I bought the long rug.  This has kept me quiet for a couple of days.  I have another 2 more remnants to hem, then I have got 14 metres of curtain material to make into cushion covers for my conservatory suite.  So so busy……

31st October:  An update on our or Mr Chans’ marrows since he has worked really hard this year.  He has been dishing them out like a market trader!  There is only one left now at this end of the garden, I was going to keep it longer to mature for the seeds but I will remove it later and tidy up.

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The one with the stocking is still growing strong so Chinaman can keep wearing that pink stocking over his head if he wants.

photo[6]Many of my mature money plants are in bud, they are early this year…

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Some leaves have caught the sun and have developed scabs, best left alone as these will peel off eventually.

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My shop front is finished, I have already painted the walls and window frames inside as well, so now I am relieved and can get on with my other projects like making new cushions covers for my conservatory suite.  The sun has bleached the tops and the material has turned crumbly and the cats think that they have got a new toy!

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I have bought this Laura Ashley design 100% cotton fabric and will start when I feel better.  I suffer from sinus migraine and this week I have been quite ill, almost bed ridden- fasting and been sleeping it off in a dark room.  I drag myself up to work, it’s at times like this that I realised how hard it is to earn money as I am so dedicated to shop commitments.  Humidity in the Valley has been high, the little rain isn’t good, I wait for the giant downpours.  Even Mr Chan is feeling lonely as I have been dead quiet.

Not for long…… I will make him suffer……..Watch this space………

1st November:  I have started it!   My new challenge.

No pattern to go on, just laying cushions on the floor and making cut outs with the interfering cats getting in the way…..

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I have nearly completed these cushions then my sewing machine overworked and I burned out the motor!  Well now, there’s an idea -for a Christmas present to me – I want to buy a basic model with no computerised stuff which I am never going to use, just plain stitching, hemming and the odd button hole.  It is the Bernina 1008S at £695.  The Bernina make is supposed to be the Rolls Royce of sewing machines.  Or shall I buy a Janome HD 2200 at £349, both are robust and used in schools with 2 years guarantee.  Its either a Bernina with two years or for same price X 2 of the Janome = 4 years?  Of course I will buy one Janome machine to start.

Anyway, first I am pricing the repair of replacing a new motor on my Husqvarna – I can only decide to see if its worth it.  Also I have a Jones machine which I bought in my teens, the whole machine is metal, it’s heavy like the Bernina, only the speed control has gone, which costs £17 50p.  So its worth pricing on that since it has lots of sentimental value attached- I made my red wedding dress.

Oh, that area of the garden is nearly bare now, I don’t think I will have any mature ones for the black seeds this year.  The marrows were late forming and there is no sun to age them.

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I will keep you posted.

12th November.  I have got my old Jones machine repaired and serviced. It cost me £50, well chuffed because I have kept it for 43 years.  I paid £80 for this vintage machine back in 1972, its solid, the machine is metal and is heavy.  It has embroidery design buttons that you load in at the top and it does the pattern featured on the button – before machines became computerised AND it does not move when I am sewing.  I will use it for the time being because it is just as good as a Bernina.

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Look I have finished the cushions on the small X 2 chairs and the big settee.

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The buttons 29mm in size are called self cover buttons, they are so expensive to buy here so I will wait until I go to Hong Kong as I need 80 in all.

Now to make use of the left overs, I have only got enough material to make 2 decent cushion covers.  Saffy also pondering on how I am going to convert that lot into cushion covers!

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I will have to make up the other two cushions using bits that are left.  So what is Mr Chan doing while I am busy?

“Here Sa Sa, vacuum these bits up NOW!”

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“Go and make me a cup of tea……”

Did you notice my cuppa by my Jones machine?  The Chans household don’t believe in drinking from small cups, we down a pint each time.  Thirsty work, me – shouting at Sa Sa and getting 10 answers back!

20th November.  It’s Sa Sas’ birthday, he is 65 today, getting old, wrinkly and everything is shrinking!!! That goes for old me too.  We all gave him a birthday do at the Glamorous Restaurant in Manchester on Monday.  The Chinese say, always celebrate your birthday before the date and never afterwards.  The children treated him to a mango cake from Wong Wong, lovely, apart from the mango decoration, it was a bit unripe and sharp.

Anyway I have finished, well almost until my sewing machine started to become ‘irritating’ the timing is out, the needle keeps catching on the bobbin case.

Here are the decent 2 cushions, so easy to make.photo[26]

The 3rd one was easy, like a patch work but the 4th was the most challenging as I only had bits left, mainly strips of material left.  This one took 2 days to work out.  I folded the strips and iron pressed against a ruler as template – this photo is the nearest shade to the colour of my material.  I visited Abakhan in Manchester because I was so desperate to buy some material of these 2 shades in case I did not have enough bits left.  Abakhan did not have any shades of these greens in any type of material!  So disappointing, this is Laura Ashley for you, that is why the material was so expensive, originally!

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Working on the weaving now, whether I will have enough strips of material left was always a threat, otherwise its going to be a basic patchwork pattern.

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This is what the back looks like.  Then I started to hem in the edge and my old machine got the timing wrong so the needle keeps catching and breaking!

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4 cushions.

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My favourite of all, such a lot of work, to top it all, there are NO strips left to spare, I had to juggle about with the shorter strips.

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I love sewing, my renewed hobby.  I can use the machine at any time of day whereas painting an art piece, I need good daylight, not this raining weather.  You can tell even by looking at the photos of my cushions covers, these are not true to the colour of the material.

My next challenge, I want to combine my sewing and my painting together.  So I am going to make some heavy duty canvas bags, paint on them, carry them about, use them for shopping – a walking piece of art, my art, my exhibition.

When I get my sewing machine repaired……

Now, I will try to be nice to Mr Chan today, Many Happy Returns…..he wasn’t happy on Wednesday night, his mobile got wet so it went dead.  I wrapped it in tissue and left it in the rice bin on Thursday – a tip off the Internet to dry it out.  After a few hours, it switched on and showed that it needed a battery charge but I left it in the bin overnight.

So it’s coming back to life, not sure if it will fully work until Sa Sa charges it today, I will let you know.

22nd November:  Yes, Sa Sa is happy again, his mobile is back to normal, it’s charging and working.  He got told off by me, he rings his mobile using the shop phone and hears his messaging service – how thick can you get!!! Now we are going to get charged for this.  Why can’t he wait and use my mobile?  Same network and it’s free!  Of course, you try to explain it to him:

“But I didn’t answer my mobile…..”

Anyway, there was nothing wrong with my sewing machine, needle was slightly bent and I was zig zagging too close to the edge of the material.  Right, now I will go and explain to him what is voicemail.

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“What’s that bloody thing in the foreground?”

“Sa Sa, when you take a picture with your mobile, the camera is here and if you put your finger over it…………”

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Having seen many of the photos that he has taken, Tatty sighs, a million times over the years…….

Some of my customers don’t realise my frustrations.  Sometimes, I blurt out…..

“He’s THICK!”

AND they don’t believe me!  Until I ask him to come out and show off his ‘sandals’  – it was great to round the  weekend off.

That lady customer was laughing so much, tears were rolling down her cheeks!  Of course, now we are waiting for the snow, the frost to bite them FAT toes.  He has managed to keep them dry so far indoors.  I have brought out his other 20? pairs to pick out one pair to wear instead but these are his favourites!!!!!  What is there to say apart from:

“COME ON JACK FROST, where are you?”

Well, if most things sunk in…..during the last 36years, I won’t be sitting here and screaming!

To top it all now, he empties his pocket and what do I find???

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These shop keepers who take advantage of my Chinaman should be ashamed of themselves!  Do they know that he can’t help it, being thick?  Or maybe it’s a Man thing here… just putting loose change into his pocket without checking!  First there was that sprayed silver 2p for a 10p, now these foreign coins for £1 coins.  The 50 euro cents is worth about 68p and that Malaysian, goodness knows, it’s quite thin too, in fact I feel like beating that Chinaman up right NOW!

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So he will check his change next time.

6th December.  I got a Bosch gas hob delivered.  The plumber fitted it on Tuesday and the auto ignition is dead.

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Do I want a brand new hob repaired?  No, I want it replacing, so the plumber comes back on Wednesday to disconnect it.  Currys are dropping another new one off on 14th – Monday.  I will let you know what happens.

Meanwhile to round todays news off with a look at my babies.

Yes, about my money plants, a leaf will give birth to a baby plant but have you seen HALF a leaf giving birth?  Amazing…..

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Please note that leaves that drop of the money plant are dead, you can only have live leaves that grow babies – ones that you have tapped/accidentally knocked off.  Dead leaves usually yellow and shrivel up, always remove, NEVER put it onto top of pot for ‘composting’ It will form mould spores which are not healthy to breathe in.

11th December.  Today I had a dream about winning the Turner Prize!  There has been so much news lately about it, what is considered Art?

My exhibition piece… My Sa Sas’ homemade sandals of course:

Title:   Who needs corn plasters?

“Tatty, YOU cannot enter this competition because it’s for the 50 and under.”

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12th December:  This is interesting…

“Mrs Chan, you can keep the penny change.”

instead of a 5p, I was given 3 x 2ps???

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Then I looked closely, here we have an old 10pence being passed as a 2pence piece.  I can’t really hand it back for the sake of a penny, can I?

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I don’t know whether people redo these old coins for fun or have done it to tease me here!  However, whoever has sprayed this old silver 10p piece? or even found it amongst some rusty material? – you get a mention on my website.  Well done, you patient person, I would not have sprayed it or pass it for 2pence?  Would you?

Roll on Monday, my new hob is being delivered…….My combined Birthday and Christmas present to myself.

14th – Monday, I was on the phone to Currys customer services for over 30minutes, adding up to over 2 hours now, mostly waiting up to 15mins each time because I have had no confirmation on the delivery from KnowHow.  They say, the hob will be delivered on Wednesday.  I am so mad and the best stress reliever is to tie Sa Sa down and hack his hair off!

The barber willingly gives her Man a haircut today!  He is or HAS to be obedient, refuse? then it’s the real barbershop, that WILL make him shit!

“COME HERE, YOU CHINAMAN!”

Also, I am making another person suffer, an eBay seller.  I won a bid on an item on the 4th December and was so happy with my bargain, read her message too late after I have already paid.  This message was sent 5 minutes after the sale ended:

“Hello there, sorry this item was already sold. It was a mistake in the listing it should have been taken off, as someone had given me a offer for it, a couple of days ago.  Sorry for any inconvenience to you.”

I wasn’t happy, told her to refund me and got this reply:

“I have sent you a refund, and eBay will message you letting you know. I am very sorry again I thought it was taken off but obviously didn’t work. I can imagine you are annoyed and I am annoyed with eBay why it wasn’t taken off. Sorry for the hassle it’s caused.”

eBay messaged me to say that payment is being refunded, reason- seller out of stock or can’t fulfil the order for another reason.  After 5 working days, still waiting I messaged the seller:

“Hi, just to let you know that I am still waiting for refund – pending 5 -7 working days.  Also waiting to see feedback on the item which you said sold on 2nd Dec. You should have taken sale off yourself if already sold, I have done it before and eBay would have emailed you when someone put in first bid. My negative feedback? eBay will erase if it’s their fault but I will wait when refund is through. Annoyed? Yes I am.”

On the 13th, last night I got this reply:

“Hello I have sent a refund! As I have just looked on my Paypal and it said it was refunded on the 4th Dec of 12.22 has come out of my Paypal.”

I had paid £12 65p so I expect all in refund, also there is no feedback on her account on this item.  After the delay with my hob, I wasn’t in the best of moods so I replied:

Hi, yes, I should be getting this refund, says pending 5 -7 working days so it will be on Tuesday. Don’t worry about the negative feedback because as you say eBay SHOULD have taken listing off when you asked them so they will erase it for you. Still annoyed, still waiting, probably have to go to eBay if it does not come through.”

It will be the first negative feedback on her 184 positives.  To put it plainly, I am loving this case, something to make my life interesting, I can’t directly kill her with negative feedback without a bit of torturing first, can I?

Tuesday night, PayPal put the refund into my account after keeping it for the whole 7 working days!

I WAS going to let seller off and not leave a negative feedback BUT this morning (Wednesday) I see she relists same item at £25 starting bid and Buy it Now at £40 Plus £3 80p postage.  This has got me extremely mad, I truly hate indirect people so obviously I gave her a negative feedback straight away.

“Won bid In 5mins says item already sold Relists item unreliable seller BEWARE”

She sneaks in a 1 day auction hoping that I don’t see advert, I will definitely see if she sells this item now, would she let the item go £25?

No, she did not sell it, she advertised this item for a few more times and finally sold it for £11 75p on 16th Feb.  So was it worth getting a negative feedback for that extra £2 90p?

When I opened an account with EBay back in 2007, I decided to make my very first buyer happy so I offered an oil portrait of a pet starting bid for 99p.  Being unfamiliar with listings, ONE person bid so I honoured the sale and spent a month executing it.  The materials cost more than 99p and with EBay and PayPal fees, there was hardly any money left to rave about except that THAT WAS the most rewarding piece of work.  It can be seen on my Commission Link, it’s the dog looking at a spider in the corner.  It is so detailed, you can almost stroke him, it has and is to be her favourite bargain on EBay.  I imagine myself to be utterly famous amongst friends and family for years to come.  Now this woman can’t even send me this item without the excuses, it’s the blaming on EBay – that really gets up my nostrils.  There are rules on EBay and if I get a negative comment on her positive feedback then I will report her so she will get 1 stroke.  Life is so exciting at the moment.  <<< I wrote that earlier now at:-

11 20am, KnowHow came and collected faulty hob.  No new hob in van.  I was on the phone to Currys AGAIN and another 13mins waiting listening to music, another 30minutes of my life wasted!  Cancels plumber appointment, I was so sure that they would do a swop.  Pathetic!  Makes my life living with Sa Sa mild in comparison.  Is this going to ruin my Birthday and Christmas?

17th, I have been thinking about my win on eBay – the vintage Channel No 5 perfume.  Since I got to keep this perfume, I ask myself, do I really need it?  No, I don’t.  So I have emailed the seller and propose that if she sends me the full £3 90p for Royal Mail 2nd recorded delivery, I will return it.  A similar unopened/evaporated bottle of vintage Channel No 19 was sold for just under £28.  Still waiting for her reply.

22nd, no reply, give her a fortnight then I will feel free to what I want to do with it and not feel guilty.  I had a wonderful party yesterday at the Glamorous Restaurant.  My Number One Son, honestly forgot whose birthday, he thought it was Sa Sas, not sure if he was joking but fancy forgetting the Mistress of the Universe and the Jill of all trades!  <<< I am having a go at plastering soon, have bought the necessary tools, floats and I got a hawk delivered today.

I am 61years old, people are so impressed with my youthful looks:

“What’s your secret, Mrs C?”

“Stick you head in chip pan, I think! The oil beats any moisturiser!”

The bad news is that I have no hob to cook on over Christmas, was so mad with Currys that I have asked for a refund, such hassle since the disconnection on the 8th December and hours of phone calls to their customer services.  This morning I have ordered a new hob off A O, seems to have good reviews on trustpilot.com, in fact they all have bad reviews when something goes wrong with the goods.  Have you read the reviews on John Lewis as well?  Delivery scheduled on Sunday 28th, meanwhile this is what my kitchen looks like!

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SOB! SOB!

Look this was our Christmas dinner, 4 lobsters on top of  a bed of noodles, duck, chicken, King prawns, abalone, beef in black bean sauce, pork and veg, salt & pepper chicken wings and a roast piglet which costs £130 and it was horrible!  I think it was roasted on the day before, you buy it for the crispy skin but this one was chewy and tasteless.  I shall complain to the restaurant.  Sa Sa had to chop it up because they wanted a tenner to do so.  That is only a quarter of it on the plate and you eat it dipped in hoi sin sauce.

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This a close up – look at the abalones that came in a tin at £40? Wing Yip supermarket has the tins locked up, there were 2 and to make it go far, we had to slice it thin!  We use the sauce that came in the tin to make into a gravy and it is served on a bed of lettuce.

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Thank goodness, Christmas is over.  Today is Boxing Day, I was going to do some plastering today but the wine got to my head and I have a headache.  I keep telling myself NOT to drink because as usual I feel like death warmed up the next day!  Tomorrow I hope to get my new hob from AO.com because they have better reviews.

27th, AO delivered hob within their allocated time slot.  Service was A* from start to delivery, they kept me informed all the time.  I ordered a hob off Currys on 28th November, paid and no receipt emailed so had no idea whether order had gone through.  So I rang them on 30th to enquire and ‘No, order not gone through.’  I order same hob again only to find that on checking with my bank that I have paid twice – TWO same hobs!!!

STRESSED….. to the eyeballs, the service is atrocious, not forgetting that each time I rang customer services, was always in a 20mins+ waiting queue, so must have wasted hours to them.

My plumber fitted the new hob on 29th, so happy and to top it all, I found a tenner in the ladies washroom at the Glamorous Restaurant on New Years Day.

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I went for a 4 burner and its a Bosch – to make it easier for the plumber as the fittings would be similar underneath.

Happy New Year everyone and for anyone who has got one of my money plants, very very good luck and don’t forget me and my Chinaman if you win BIG.  I have found that if you grow on and pass cuttings on for others, you get lucky in life.  For example, you can even make your cuttings go far, by cutting leaves in half:

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I say it again, AMAZING and here is that letter which I got off a lady which cheers me up to no end:

Tai

What a wonderful kind soul you are… I was so delighted to receive the plant and little leaf cuttings you sent to me. It is such a strong healthy plant and so beautiful to look at, like a little tree. The tiny leaves I have planted as well as the large plant. I go to look at them several times everyday, I cant leave them alone! Such Joy!! … that only nature can bring! … but it means so much more to me because they came from a very kind person. I feel excited to see how they will develop, especially the little leaves with their tiny roots. I hope I have planted them right. I followed your very thorough instructions which have been immensely helpful as I am a complete beginner when it comes to plants/gardening. I really appreciate the time and effort you took to share your knowledge. I know your kindness will come back to you 10 fold.

I ventured out to cut a couple of little cuttings and plant them in some tiny pots and I also went mad and bought some seed trays yesterday! – You have really sparked an interest in me and it is going to be so rewarding.

I know you must get a lot of satisfaction out of all of your creations, looking at your site helped me to remember some of the things I used to do and how much I used to love it. I just have to get my hands in clay again! – such a magical medium to work with.

Sorry I am just replying to you now, (I waited till I was feeling better)

Once again thanks for everything, you’ve really helped brighten up my flat and given me a lots of smiles. I have to deal with a lot of medical people who unfortunately often aren’t the most caring people you could meet! So it means a lot when I encounter someone who is the opposite of this and it restores my faith in human beings!

You are a mega person!!

Peace and blessings

Love Paula

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I wonder what 2016 will bring, a good start for me because I found a tenner to line my pocket on New Years Day.

What about you?

Oh, what about the STAR of this blog, wonder – will he behave AND grow some brain cells at 65?  At least he can tell me whether his pubes have gone grey or not!

“Sa Sa, when you put your pants on, do you place your willy on the right or left?”

That’s got him thinking!

Yes, if I am to keep my youthful looks, I must continue to make friends who can laugh at dirty jokes!

The last couple of Mondays, I have been busy plastering.  I found out that the skimming plaster sets faster than the bonding plaster.  When I got talking to a friend about it, the word HARD became dirty talk…..

AND there’s that man customer who’s always appear to be in a hurry when he calls to collect his food, once I blurted out,

“I managed to slip it in.”

“Oh, did you?”  It was the cheeky grin on his face and we knew what was in our minds.

Then there was this customer who had a red patch on his forehead.

“What’s up with your forehead?”

“It’s a boil or cyst, am waiting for it to ripe, then doc will cut a slit and squeeze it out!”

So I told him about my childhood in the New Territories, Hong Kong, in a small village before 1962, where they castrate piglets to enhance quick growth.  I saw them cutting small slits in the piglets’ scrotum and squeezing each testicle out then use soot to rub over the cuts.  Not kidding the piglets squealed so loud, I can hear it now in my head.  After hearing about those poor piglets with their blackened rear end, the shocked customer walked out holding on to his crotch!

Talking about something black, I often dreamt of having a black one!

“Mrs Chan, you wouldn’t know if it’s clean!”

“Tatty, I can’t offer you a black one unless I dye it black!”

Then there was my father who used to dye his grey hair with black shoe polish!

18th January.  Its Monday, day off, I have been plastering the chippy today.  My arm is dropping off, it’s like working against the clock!  Two hours is my limit!

Well the snow is going and what has happened to Jack Frost – I was hoping he pays a visit then my Chinaman will regret cutting holes in his shoes, otherwise he still thinks they are great.  Our children treated us to extra leg space, there is a foot to spare when we stretched out on the plane.

photo[43]Can you believe that he wore these brand new shoes on that flight to Hong Kong last year, just a few months before.

31st January.  I’ve got the sewing bug, been making lots of cushion covers out of material bought off Ebay.  I only like 100% cotton fabric, this is by Harlequin and they have piping and concealed zips.

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I will be making new curtains soon when I have finished plastering……

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There is that end wall to do, then I am going to use thick lining paper to cover my rough skimming.  No rest for the wicked!  I am not making money either here but saving instead.

6th February.  Look at that end wall now.

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I will let it dry fully and just wallpaper them with thick lining paper.

In the meantime, since I have got the sewing bug, I have made some cushions for my son who has to sit all day working and suffer from a tender naval.  There was this 2inches thick memory foam mattress left from university and I have put it to good use.

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I can’t just leave it at making a single cushion, can I?  So I have made THREE, all with removable stretchy covers.

Of course while I am busy, that Chinaman vacuums up afterwards.  He is leading such a boring life at the moment, just watching his Chinese Channel and shouting at the TV especially at the baddies! Less stress for me, thank goodness.

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“Hey, Sa Sa, look over here?”

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He is rubbing out the air bubbles in my underlining wallpaper, had to take pic quick otherwise you get a ‘pose’  Look, his hand is still moving…..Do you think there is a bully nearby?

I need to go and shop for some textured paper to go over this, maybe paint it or if there is some coloured stuff, even better.

22nd February, I went to B&Q and came home with wallpaper samples.  None appeared to please me, don’t know whether it’s the lack of decent daylight as every shade looks dull, the cream which I WAS going to use didn’t seem right, made the walls look dirty.  I will keep looking, I might just paint the lining with magnolia matt.

23rd, Sa Sa is getting pretty annoyed with the holes in his shoes.  His socks are getting wet often and of course his little toes are getting cold.  So he says he is ready for binning them on Thursday when they collect the rubbish.  I have yet to see with my own eyes in order to believe him.  I will keep you posted.

25th February, well he’s done it, he has binned those pathetic shoes because he cannot stand getting wet toes and the chill.  Sa Sa has understood- ‘the error of his ways’  FINALLY!

Lets round todays good news with more good news, just look at my money plants…. still in bloom since November.

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The flowers still look so fresh.

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Yes, as though they have only just opened – adorned my house throughout Christmas, New Year and way past Valentines Day.

Absolutely wonderful, yes it ‘snowed’ and sparkled here for THREE months…

5th March Sa Sa has been moaning because Whatsapp has disappeared off his mobile screen so I have re installed it.

“But I haven’t done anything!”  He protests.

Then after some interrogation, I realised that he didn’t understand the word EDIT, kept pressing on it and when the red blocks (DELETE) appear, he has been pressing them!

Sometimes I get so stressed while serving at the shop and a customer replied –

“Go on, You can tell me, I am a policeman.”

Patience, Tatty … He will learn…..SLOWLY.

11th March.  I have just come back from shopping at Asda.  I had been using a free trolly and when that Chinaman took it back, you should have seen his face when he realised that there was no £1 coin!

“Who has nicked it?” says the puzzled Chinaman.

I was laughing until tears rolled down my eyes and then it clicked!

Anyway, this is my last marrow, I am drying seeds out for planting soon.

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Look at the stump, Sa Sa must have been busy turning it to ripe.

27th March, we were one hour late opening the shop today because we forgot to put the clock one hour forward!  This was the second time since running the shop.  I have been busy making new curtains, so I never watched TV, didn’t even looked at my mobile.  That Chinaman kept wondering why it wasn’t announced on his Chinese Channel!

“Sa Sa why WOULD they announced this putting the clock forward one hour in the UK?  Maybe you should let them know next time, when the UK puts back an hour!”

4th April.  I am so ill today with sinus migraine, I just want to sleep it off in a dark room.  I was quite happy that that Chinaman was thoughtful and packed clean work clothes to take up to the shop, when he loaded car.  No such gesture…..

The idiot goes and takes dirty clothes bag BACK to the chippy!

Questions that he COULD ask himself:

“Now she’s in bed, WHEN did she pack? IS that the SAME bag I brought down last night?”

I know what I WILL be asking myself – a million times over”……

“Why did you marry a man like that!”

Tatty, don’t get stressed, your migraine will get worse, humidity is still 100% …..

14th April.  I have been so busy lately, painting the shop and making curtains, just ordered another 40metres of curtain lining material.  I want a fresh pair of curtains all around my house, eventually.  During the leftover minutes, I have been crocheting lacy tops for myself and these look lovely with a coloured T-shirt underneath.  My latest which I keep at the shop for a laugh is a bright red one, now that one WILL look great just with a black bra underneath!!!

“Mum, stop making me anorexic!  I’ve had a good dinner today.”

I have also been knitting Mr Chan’s name with 2 lace yarns to create a cushion cover like this:

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This word is pronounced FUK which means wealth and fortune, happiness etc – you will find it on calendars, red money packets, it is a lucky symbol.

Meanwhile, I must give you an update on my money plants, the flowers look like this after nearly FIVE months.

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Many customers are talking on ones bought/given by me at the shop and how well they are growing.  It has taken over 30 years to produce these hardy plants, unlike the Garden Centre ones which are enhanced with intense heat and light.  I say as long its growth is making you happy then their belief of bringing in this happiness is coming true.

HAPPINESS to me means everything.

16th April.  Talking about all this SEXY lacy stuff that I am creating and wearing over black bras, well now I have a competitor, who may you ask?

Its that CHINAMAN!  of all people!  He decides to become modern….

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and grow a moustache…..

then maybe a ponytail…..

Now, Tatty is turning anorexic too. ..

I have Sharks Fin Marrows germinating in trays and they are coming on slowly, ever so slowly due the unsettle weather.

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Meanwhile, Sa Sa is trying his best to keep my Blog going strong… Bless him, the Man is a STAR!  I wonder what his girlfriends think?

18th April.  Monday – day off, I was offered a voucher for a facial at Harvey Nicholls so I went today.  Never had a facial before, thought all that chippy oil helped to keep my face moist.  So, got myself really worked up, first visit was the lavatory, of course.  I found it, pulled and pushed the door, it did not opened, asked the nearest sales person who said it might be occupied.

No, it was empty, she just came and pulled the door to the right, yes, it was a sliding door!  Why did I not think of that?

Then after business, I pulled the red cord, thought it was the flush…

Harvey Nicholls bell rang as though someone had ‘died’  Many came to my ‘rescue’  Feeling embarrassed, I cried that I am ok.  Sa Sa should have been there so I could blame him instead.  I was loosing it!  Look what this Virgin Facial is doing to me.  Presently, my mind is not here!

“Bec, tell them that I’ve just arrived from China!”

“I can’t cos you speak too good English!”

Well, the facial went fine, I laid there being pampered like a queen and nearly fell asleep!  Can’t wait for the next one, any more free vouchers?

The big problem here, aware of being a dumbo, and it’s embarrassing, whereas Sa Sa thinks it’s normal.

“Mrs C, I hope you pulled your knickers up when they all came to see!”

“How do you know? If I wear any!”

23rd April.  Sa Sa has had enough, off with the tache!  He says, he was sick of the food getting caught in it.  A friend told him that if it grows longer, it will be like the hairs down below.  Well, I never knew that beard hair is curly!

The Sharks Fin marrow babies are growing fast, I have at least 150 plants, plenty to share with his friends.

13th May.  I have now placed them outside to adapt them for a few days – ready of planting.

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Of course the busybodies don’t want to miss anything!

photo[17]That lonely yellow net left over from last year which Sa Sa used to hold up a marrow that was clinging onto a ‘thread’ well, I have been collecting lots of red ones just in case. photo[18]

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Look more money plant cuttings, over 100 again.  They are rooting slowly in my shed.

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I am into bonsais so these were placed indoors over the winter.  I would love to see these flower as seen previously in similar pots.  You only need very little compost.

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Picture 290Sa Sa sprained a muscle in his shoulder so he hasn’t been happy about it.  That was 5 weeks ago and healing very, very slowly.  Last time I ‘sprained’ my ankle was after a foot massage in China, think he pulled/stretched a muscle and that took near 6 months to heal.  Never again! So Sa Sa is not himself at the moment…..his bad shoulder is turning him into a crouch potato, watching TV – chasing soaps…..every morning!

Sa Sa I hope you get better soon as those marrows want watering ….

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Same patch, I can’t believe that it’s been a whole year since I took photo of the same location.

22nd May.  Last night a customer felt so sorry for Mr Chan after reading my money plant notice – about my fortune being married to a Chinaman that I can boss about….

“You tell Mr Chan that he can come and live with me!”

When I told the next customer what he said:

“That notice has been up for ages and he has only just read it!”

Well that exclamation warranted the great cook to come out and shook his hand!

He’s got a male fan….. besides the many females.

I think he is after a cook!

Look at my fuji apple tree, one of Sa Sa girlfriends gave it to him when it was a small sapling, she grew it from a pip.

Its has been growing for many years and was going to be cut down until I spotted AN APPLE.  I thought it was one of those varieties that needed a male tree nearby to fertilise, maybe there is one nearby.

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So I am in suspense and I hope the bees get busy.

All that potato peel and rice water wash is giving our magnolia tree a boost, look at the compact flowers…..

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Just to remind you of Sa Sa first sharks fin marrow, his ‘graduation’ framed photo, but the cats have broken the glass, maybe of the shock? Taken 12 years ago.

photo[24]Mr Chan is the ‘woman’ of this household, he does the cleaning, washing up etc.  LOOK what he has done to my dustpan….

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He has broken the handle AND how did you do that Sa Sa?

“I lost my balance while squatting and sat on it!”

“Well you’ve to wash the carpets later so don’t go and sit on the Vax!”

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CLUMSY CHINAMAN!

Yesterday, I left Sa Sa to enjoy himself and he chilled out photo[27]in the garden like an old man sat on his rocking chair.  He can’t move after that bowl full of congee!

Today, 6th June is Steve Vai birthday, he is 56.  I used to be crazy about him and it is so easy to remember because his date of birth has three 6s – 6/6/60.  666 – reminds me of that OMEN film.

Since it is our day off, I took Sa Sa to Macdonalds for dinner.  We wanted to act like kids today.

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We must do it more often.

Then late evening, I chopped a good inch off the collar of Sa Sas white Hong Kong T shirts and stitched the edging back as neatly as I can.  He does not want to become a vicar.  If only people realise!  HIM preaching a sermon?  I mean he now has his 2nd bus pass, used it once for a mile ride, such courage….

Sa Sa, when I get mine, I promise to hold your hand if you are still scared!

18th June.  My youngest treats us to some fresh cream tarts from Asda, he bought 5 packs of 2s = 10cakes.   I placed the freshesh RIGHT at the back on the very bottom shelf and put 3 packs at eye level.

SO, WHAT DOES THAT BLOODY CHINAMAN DO, yes you have guessed, he doesn’t see the ones placed in front of his eyes, he goes and eat one with a longer expire date!  Even though they are the same….. So you are asking, stop shouting at him, only to have him answering…

“Ok, I’ve opened the packet, I will eat both!”

“Mum, he knows what’s best.”

He knows what’s best, my foot!

I feel like smashing one of these over his face just now since he is blind and wouldn’t know what’s hit him!

Oh, why did he not ask himself WHY did she try to hide these on the bottom shelf! Or look at the date even!

He thinks that I am mad because he has opened the packet and it would go off quicker so the best solution was to eat the whole packet!

How can you ‘educate’ a man who gives 10answers back!

I sent him out to buy 3 takeaway meals in Hong Kong and he came back beaming with delight thinking that she undercharged.

While running Chans, I tell him that some customers think that I’ve undercharged them only to find that an item is missing!

“$105, if it’s any more or less you’ve got the order wrong.”

“She charged me $99!”

It was a meal that I didn’t like, so I was angry and starving.

“Go and get it yourself!”

I mean, no language barrier….

23rd June.  So shocked here, Sa Sa just went to the polling station to cast his vote on the EU referendum, ALL BY HIMSELF! Is it the same Chinaman?

I could not hold back, told the kids, they are so proud of him so I had better be nice to him, just until midnight of course.  In fact, I could not wait to see him so I rang his mobile – only to hear it ring a few yards away!

Well, that ruin my expectations a bit, he forgot his mobile!  So I rang the shop instead and did he sound cocky?

“Easy …”

8th July. Rain, rain and more rain! Second week now.  All the marrows are trailing for miles!  Sa Sa is so disheartened! He can’t water them so loosing interest fast. The buds are so small as all the growth are focused onto the stem.  I will take a photo of them on the same day as last year – 12th July so that I can compare.  Looks like no pressies for his girlfriends… He will have to think of something else to charm them!

Now, that’s going to be hard, isn’t it? For that TINY brain!

15th July

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Comparing the growth with last year, they are taking over my seating area and lots of female blooms have opened first, unfertilised as usual because the males are so slow.  Today, I woke up with an idea, I decide to cut these bulbs and cook them to see what they taste like rather than letting them rot.

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Rounding todays news with a picture of my fuji apples, some have formed, not many maybe a dozen to so?

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I hope those squirrels don’t get them first!

Look, I’ve cooked them with fungus, onion and slices of ribeye steak and they taste like mini courguettes.

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It was delicious and I regret letting them go to rot during the past years.